


Yes I Am

by DancesWithCybermen



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Comfort, Cunnilingus, Episode: s06e18 Milagro, F/M, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Love, Love Confessions, MSR, Not Canon Compliant, Oral Sex, RST, Resolved Sexual Tension, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2020-09-02 09:22:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20273620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DancesWithCybermen/pseuds/DancesWithCybermen
Summary: Written for the X-Files Episode Exchange for fragilevixen, who wanted an post-ep for Milagro dealing with Padgett’s realization that "Agent Scully is already in love": “Can be immediately following or several days later; would love to see a mutual confession - an admission - of affection (you don't have to have smut if you don't want to). This is their turning point of realizing that neither can quite live without the other. If you are feeling the angst, fly with it, if it makes you uncomfortable -- some tension is at least appreciated (not too much fluff?)”When I pulled you for this exchange, I was both excited and nervous, as you're one of my favorite fic writers. I really hope I’ve done your prompt justice.





	Yes I Am

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fragilevixen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fragilevixen/gifts).

> Song Pairing: Melissa Etheridge, “Yes I Am”  
https://youtu.be/MF9YAA_0EhQ

She’d fallen asleep in the car as he drove her home, exhausted from hours of dealing with the authorities and, at Mulder’s insistence, getting examined at the ER. His Scully could sleep anywhere. She looked so small, dressed in oversized scrubs that the hospital had given her after the police had insisted on collecting her clothing for evidence. They needed it to blood-type her attacker, who they were certain had also killed Padgett. Certainly, he hadn’t ripped his own heart out of his body.

Mulder had just nodded and let them keep on thinking that. He knew better than to try to tell the local LEO’s what had really happened. Better to let them go on a wild goose chase for a perp who would never be found, eventually relegating the case to “cold” status.

Scully had clung to him after the attack so fiercely, it felt like she was trying to crawl inside him. When he’d found her lying on the floor, shock had precluded him from feeling much of anything. When he discovered that she was alive and unharmed, the gravity of what could have been overtook him. He could not, would not, live in a world that did not include her. He’d made that decision a long time ago.

Now, a few hours removed, the police and hospital personnel gone, Mulder’s mind turned to something Padgett had said, something he hadn’t had the mental energy to process until now.

“Agent Scully is already in love.” 

With who? Mulder felt an ice cube in the pit of his stomach. He hadn’t considered that Scully might be dating someone, or even be interested in someone. He didn’t know why the possibility hadn’t occurred to him; it just hadn’t. They spent most of their time together, and they traveled frequently. He would have noticed her getting or making calls to a boyfriend, wouldn’t he? Wouldn’t she be meeting him for lunches instead of spending them alone or with him? 

If nothing else, a boyfriend would have come up in conversation.

Maybe it wasn’t a boyfriend. Padgett had said “in love,” not “dating.” Since their lives revolved around their jobs, it had to be someone at the Bureau.

Mulder wracked his brain, going through everyone he had seen her talking to at the Hoover Building. There weren’t that many possibilities, now that they had their office back, but when they were up in the bullpen, Scully had attracted ample attention from men -- and the occasional woman. Hell, even Skinner might have made a move if he wasn’t involved with his secretary. But Mulder couldn’t recall anyone he’d seen her speak with for more than a few moments unless it had to do with work. The last agent he recalled her having had more than a cursory conversation with was Pendrell.

Pendrell’s murder had been a turning point for Scully. He knew she felt responsible for his death, and she’d made comments about it being dangerous to let anyone get too close to them. Scully had never been a social butterfly with the other agents, but after Pendrell was killed, she’d been making an extra effort to keep them at arm’s length.

So who the hell could she be in love with? It certainly wasn’t him. He cringed as he recalled her shooting down his spontaneous declaration of love in Bermuda. Nice going, Spooky. How could he possibly think that this beautiful, brilliant woman would have any interest in him?

He finally reached her complex and found a parking spot. He gently touched her shoulder to wake her, which made her startle and jump. “S’okay, Scully,” he said, “It’s just me. You’re home. Let me walk you up.”

Scully nodded, getting her bearings. “Mulder, do you think you could just stay a while? I just -- I just don’t want to be alone right now.”

She still looked so small and so scared. Mulder brushed a stray lock of hair back from her face, eliciting a shy smile from her. “Yeah, I can do that.”

*************************************************************

Scully ran a bath for herself as Mulder ordered some food for delivery. He’d insisted that she needed to eat something, though she wasn’t sure she’d be able to. She was haunted by flashbacks of Naciamento’s hands sinking inside her body. How? She stripped off her scrubs and examined herself in the mirror. There had been blood on her clothing, and there was blood on her skin, but there were no marks, not even any bruises other than from where she’d fallen. Scans at the ER had shown nothing. It was as if the attack had never happened.

Too bad she remembered every moment of it.

Scully turned off the water, sank into the lavender-scented bubbles, and tried to get those horrible images out of her mind. Unfortunately, when they weren’t there, she was beating herself up over how she’d dealt with Padgett

Why had she agreed to have coffee with him in his apartment, alone? She hadn’t been interested in him. His attentions weren’t endearing; they were creepy. Still, it had felt nice to attract attention from someone, to be desired.

When was the last time she’d felt desired? Oh yeah, during her last date, with a nut who thought his tattoo was talking to him. That was when she was awaiting the doctor’s appointment that would culminate in her being diagnosed with terminal cancer. Dating tends to slip off the agenda when you’re fighting for your life.

Thing is, it never got put back on, even after she’d gone into remission, and Scully hadn’t noticed its absence. She was too busy driving all over the country with Mulder all the time. When would she find time to go on these hypothetical dates? 

Even if she somehow carved out the time, her job would still get in the way. Who could possibly understand her work? She knew that law enforcement often dated law enforcement for that reason -- many agents were married to other agents -- but even other agents wouldn’t understand. She envisioned being on a date and trying to explain her abduction, or Antarctica, or her miracle cancer remission, or all the other things she’d seen and done, or what the chip in her neck was for. She reached back to touch it. A lover would touch that spot, would feel the little bump, would ask what it was. What the hell would she say?

She wasn’t the same person she’d been when she was first assigned to the X-Files. The X-Files had changed her. Mulder had changed her.

Mulder.

Padgett was a lunatic, but he’d been right about a number of things, including something she was having so much difficulty admitting to herself, she couldn’t utter the words aloud. Instead, he’d said them, giving them form, making them real. She was already in love with someone. She was already in love with her best friend. She was in love with Mulder. Thinking about it filled her with both joy and panic. She and Mulder couldn’t happen. They just couldn’t. They worked together, he was her best friend, it would be wrong and ruin their friendship.

Plus, he didn’t love her back.

_ But he told you that he loved you, dummy. _

Yes, but was that for real? He’d nearly drowned and wasn’t right in the head when he said it. If he’d meant it, why had he never said anything else since?

_ But he’d tried to kiss you in the hallway, before Antarctica. He would have kissed you if it hadn’t been for that fucking bee. _

Why hadn’t he tried again? What if she’d misinterpreted his intentions?

Then, there was the matter of Diana Fowley. Scully’s blood boiled just thinking about _ that woman _. How could she possibly compete with the history Mulder shared with her, or with their likemindedness? Diana didn’t challenge Mulder the way Scully did. Diana also fit Mulder’s type, at least what Scully had ascertained was his type. He gravitated towards tall, exotic brunettes with legs for days, not short, stubby, run-of-the-mill gingers.

She heard a knock at the front door and the sounds of Mulder answering it; their food had arrived, and the water was getting cold. Scully sighed and carefully made her way out of the tub. Maybe eating something would make her feel a little more settled.

*************************************************************

Mulder had been busy while Scully was in the tub, setting up what he hoped would be a soothing environment. Maybe he couldn’t openly love her, but he could do something loving for her. He’d set up her dining room table for a nice dinner, complete with candles, the nicest plates she had on her shelves, and a bottle of wine he’d found in her cupboard. Then, he’d dimmed the lights and placed some scented candles around the apartment. 

He was getting their Chinese delivery boxes out of the bag when he heard the bathroom door open. “Food’s here!” he called out.

Clad in a bathrobe and slippers, she padded out into the main living area, and her eyes grew wide. When he said he was ordering Chinese food, she figured they’d eat it like they usually did: straight out of the takeout containers, in front of the TV. “Oh wow, Mulder. You didn’t have to do all of this.”

Mulder shrugged. “It’s no problem. Just get dressed, and we’ll have a nice dinner.”

She gave him a bright smile that made his heart swell and disappeared into her bedroom. He spooned their food out onto plates, got rid of the take-out boxes, and critically examined his handiwork. The only thing missing was music. He headed over to her stereo and checked which CD’s were loaded into the player. Those would do. He pushed the tray back in, then hit “play” and adjusted the volume so that the music would be audible but not overwhelming.

Scully emerged dressed casually, in jeans and a green sweater, her feet still in slippers. Mulder insisted on pulling out her chair for her to sit, then uncorked the wine and filled her glass. He was giving her the restaurant experience in the comfort of her home, and the thoughtfulness of it all filled her with warmth. She looked up at him and gave him another one of her bright smiles. “Thank you, Mulder. This is nice. I think I’m actually hungry now.”

She didn’t have any makeup on, and her hair, still partially wet, had been hastily combed and was settling into gentle curls and waves as it dried. It was a fresh-faced look he rarely got to glimpse. It was the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen, and he was so taken by her that he nearly spilled the wine. He caught himself before she’d noticed -- he hoped -- and went over to his own chair. “It was no big deal.” _ You deserved something nice after today, _ he thought. _ You always deserve something nice. _

They ate quietly, making small talk. Mulder didn’t want to press her about her experience with Naciamento, especially since she’d been grilled by the local police about it earlier. After she’d gotten most of her food a couple of glasses of wine in her, Scully visibly relaxed, which Mulder was thrilled to see. She no longer appeared small and overwhelmed.

They finished one bottle of wine, and Mulder rose to get another. Scully laughed as he filled her glass. “What’s so funny?”

“It’s just -- it’s stupid,” she said, shaking her head. He walked back over to his chair and filled his own glass. “I don’t remember the last time I had a nice dinner out.”

Now Mulder laughed. “We’re at your apartment, and the food is from Jing Fong. It’s a hole-in-the-wall with three tables, and the owners’ kids are always sitting at one doing homework or playing their Game Boys.”

“I know, but the way you set all this up, it feels like we’re in a nice restaurant. It’s the closest I’ve gotten in years. When we’re on cases, we get takeout or eat at places that aren’t that much nicer than Jing Fong. Thank you for making this nice.” She went back to her food.

He looked at her. The wine had given him a bit of liquid courage. “Would you rather eat at nicer places?”

“No, not really. I like it every once in a while, but most of the time, I’d rather just get takeout.” She took another sip of her wine. “I couldn’t walk into a restaurant looking like this.”

Mulder grinned. “You’re right, Scully. You look absolutely hideous. You’d better stay away from the windows, or you might scare children.” That got a snowpea flung in his direction, but she was smiling. “You look beau--fine.” No way she didn’t catch that. He hoped he hadn’t overstepped.

Had he just said what she thought he did? “My hair is messed up, and I don’t have any makeup on.”

Mulder shook his head. “You don’t need it. It just hides your face. I never understood why women put that stuff on, anyway. Guys don’t care about it, or at least I never have.”

They sat quietly for a few minutes, finishing their meals, and Mulder wondered if he’d said too much, although she’d been the one to broach the topic. Finally, she pushed her plate away and sat back, sipping her wine. “Mulder, do you know why I agreed to go into Padgett’s apartment alone for coffee?”

That, he hadn’t expected. He was glad that he’d finished his food, or he might have choked on it. “Um, no?”

“It wasn’t because I was attracted to him. He was a creep who’d been stalking me. That’s not attractive. But I guess on some level, I was attracted to the idea of a man paying attention to me. I haven’t had a boyfriend since I started working on the X-Files, and I haven’t been on a date in years. I think I just wanted to feel desirable. I wanted to be treated like a woman.” Fearing that she’d been too bold, Scully looked away from him to examine the liquid in her glass. “It was stupid. I should have known better, but I guess I thought he was a harmless weirdo.”

Mulder cleared his throat. She was the one who’d opened this door. “You don’t think you’re desirable?” 

“I don’t know what I think anymore. Like I said, it’s stupid. We’re too busy with work to be dating, anyway.” She looked up from her wine and straight at him. She’d meant that last sentence not as a statement but a question; she was fishing to find out if he was dating anybody. His expression was unreadable.

He stood up to clear the table, and when she moved to help him, he shooed her away. “No, I’ll take care of this. Just go sit down and relax.” She took her wine into the living area and sat on the couch as he loaded the dishwasher. He retrieved a container of chocolate ice cream from the freezer and began preparing two bowls, a small one for her and a larger serving for himself “Scully,” he said as he scooped the ice cream, “I really wish you could see yourself the way I see you.”

“You see me as an FBI agent, a partner, and a friend, not as a woman.”

Mulder finished scooping the ice cream, brought the dishes out to the living area, and sat down next to her on the couch before replying. “Then you have no idea how I really see you, because it’s all of the above,” he said quietly, then looked away and dug into his dessert. He felt her looking at him. “Can I ask you something?” Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her nod and continued. “You say you don’t feel desirable, but Padgett said you were in love with somebody. Is that true?”

There was a long silence, and Mulder feared the next words out of her mouth were going to be something along the lines of, “I think you should leave now.” He braced himself for it, but then they didn’t come. No words came other than from the stereo. He recognized the album; he’d heard Scully playing it before. It had been one of her sister’s favorites.

Now that Scully had painted them into this corner, she wasn’t sure what to do next. Were they really doing this? It was her move. As the upbeat chords of “All-American Girl” ended, an idea dawned on her. She’d let music do the talking. She’d let a song that she’d listened to many times, thinking of him, speak the words that she was having so much trouble coming up with.

Mulder felt Scully tapping him on the shoulder. She was smiling softly and holding out her hand. “Could you dance with me, Mulder?”

He let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. “Sure, I can do that.” He took her hand and led her away from the couch to a more open area in front of the stereo. The next song on the album was the slow title track. She put her head on his shoulder, and they slowly swayed to the music.

_ In these days and these hours of fury_

_When the darkness and answers are thin _

_ Lovers come and check out in a hurry _

_ Shallow and hollow again _

_ Come lay your body beside me _

_ To dream to sleep with the lamb _

_ To the question your eyes seem to send _

_ Am I your passion your promise your end _

_ I say I am _

_ Yes I am _

_ Yes I am _

_ Yes I am _

_ I am your passion your promise your end _

_ Yes I am _

“Yes I am.”

That last one didn’t come from the stereo; that was Scully. She’d said it so quietly, he almost hadn’t heard her. She took her head off his shoulder and pulled back to look up at him, her eyes moist. “Yes I am.”

He wanted to get this right. He didn’t think Scully would lead him on like this, but he’d gotten his heart broken too many times to assume anymore. “Yes, you’re what?”

Their lips were inches apart, and she gently tugged on the back of his head so that they could meet. Their first kiss was soft, sweet, almost chaste, but it led to another that was much deeper and hungrier. When they finally broke the kiss, she whispered in his ear, “I am in love with someone.”

Mulder grinned. “And who would that lucky guy be, Agent Scully? Anyone I know?”

“Yeah, you’ve known him all your life.” They kissed again. “But he’s my best friend, and I’m afraid that if things didn’t work out between us, our friendship would be ruined.”

“Hmmm. That’s quite a conundrum.” He pulled her back against him, and they continued to dance. “But I seem to recall you advising someone else that the best relationships are rooted in friendship.”

“Wait a minute. That was a private conversation.”

“Holman still sends me emails, gushing about how we changed his life,” Mulder explained. “Sheila told him, and he told me. He keeps bugging me about making a move on you.”

“So why haven’t you?”

“I was afraid, too, Scully, of you not wanting me. I did tell you I loved you, you know, and you shot me down.”

“But you were on drugs.”

“I was on Tylenol.” He pulled her into another kiss. “You really thought I didn’t mean it?” He kissed her again. “I fell in love with you the day you walked into my office, but it took me years to admit it to myself. I didn’t think you’d be interested in me. You could have some brain surgeon or something.”

“I don’t want a brain surgeon. I want you, Mulder. I have for a long time.”

Mulder was overcome with emotion. This was more than he’d ever dared dream of. He kissed her forehead. “How could you ever think you’re not desirable?” Another kiss to her left cheek. “You don’t need makeup.” The tip of her adorable little nose. “It hides your beautiful face.” Her right cheek. “I love seeing your face.” Their lips met again, and there was nothing sweet or chaste about this kiss. It was full of heat and passion, bursting out of the gate after being held back for years. “I want to see all of you.”

They were still swaying, their bodies pressed tightly together now, their midsections grinding against each other, and she felt his need. She pulled back from him, then deftly removed her sweater and tossed it aside, exposing a black, lacy bra that contrasted with her alabaster skin in the most alluring way. “I want you to see all of me.”

It was looking like Padgett had been right about another thing; his Scully might be a tiger in the bedroom. He growled, and she squealed as he lifted her off her feet, then wrapped her legs around him and kissed him again, their tongues probing, exploring. He fumbled with her bra clasp as he carried her into the bedroom, finally freeing it as he sat her down on the bed. She lifted up her arms so that he could pull it off, exposing a luscious pair of tits and making his cock strain harder against his pants.

It had been so long since he’d been laid. He was glad that he’d pleasured himself that morning, to thoughts of her, no less. He’d imagined this event unfolding in innumerable ways, all of them paling in comparison to the real thing laid out in front of him on her bed, panting, her lips puffy from kissing, her eyes sultry and ready. He removed his shirt and pounced on her, making her squeal again, which he silenced with a kiss before making his way down her neck, then to those absolutely perfect breasts.

He teased her, licking around each breast but avoiding her hard little pink nipples until she was begging him for relief. He finally flicked one with his tongue, and she made a sound that he was determined to hear her make again and again. He went all in, suckling and gently biting at one nipple as he used his hand to play with the other, then switching.

Scully had been blessed with very sensitive breasts; it was as if her nipples were connected directly to her clit. She was losing control, moaning, gasping, and grinding into him. “God, Mulder, I need...I need...OH GOD.” She arched her back as a wave of pleasure rocked her, and he took his mouth and hands off her breasts so that he could remove her jeans. Her panties were soaked with her arousal, and the scent was absolutely divine. He pulled them down, slid two fingers inside her, and crooked them into a come-hither motion that had her arching her back again. She needed to be fucked now more than she ever had in her life. “Mulder,” she gasped, “Need you inside me.”

“Not yet, G-woman.” He kept his fingers inside her and kissed her again as she ground into them and whimpered into his mouth. He removed his fingers, got down on his knees in front of the bed, pulled her forward by her ass, and grinned. She knew what was coming, and she whimpered again as he planted soft kisses and love bites on her inner thighs, slowly making his way to the Promised Land. When he dove in to eat her pussy, he did it with gusto, giving her folds long, loving licks as he used his nose to tease her clit. It was fully engorged, gleaming at him like an oyster’s pearl.

Her squeals of pleasure were like a symphony to him; he would never tire of hearing her make those noises. She was a wild woman, grinding against his face, damn near smothering him (but what a way to go). At just the right moment, he inserted his fingers and pressed against her g-spot again as he simultaneously sucked her clit into his mouth. He felt her pussy pulsate as she screamed his name, arching her back and bucking wildly. After what felt like an eternity of aftershocks, her body relaxed and she fell back, panting.

Somehow -- he had no idea how -- he had managed not to come despite all of that. He stood up to remove his pants, and his cock sprang out, glistening with pre-cum. He laid atop her and kissed her softly, murmuring words of love and devotion, letting her set the pace for their next round of activities. 

The taste and smell of her own cunt on him made her feel downright feral. She’d never been to bed with a man who’d enjoyed eating pussy that much. Most of them felt they were done after only a few half-hearted licks, and none of them had made her come that way. She intended to demonstrate her deep appreciation for Mulder’s oral talents. She moved her hand between them and used a combination of her own juices and his pre-cum as lube to slowly stroke him as they continued to kiss. Now, it was Mulder’s turn to whimper in desperation as her deft surgeon’s hands gripped his shaft gently but firmly, exquisitely torturing him, bringing him just to the brink, then adjusting so he wouldn’t lose control. She was grinding into him again, and he broke their kiss to move into position.

She put her hand on his chest. “Mmmmm. I like to be on top.” Why was he not surprised? He grinned and rolled to the side so that she could mount him, but Scully had her own ideas. Before he knew it, she was between his legs, and his cock was disappearing into her mouth as she looked up at him.

“Oh GOD, Dana.” If she had been taken aback by him using her given name, she didn’t show it. A lot of women didn’t really like giving blow jobs. Dana Scully was obviously not one of those women. She sucked him off as eagerly as he’d eaten her out, as if his cock was the most delicious thing she’d ever had in her mouth, using her teeth and tongue to pleasure the ridge of the head before plunging back down, stopping occasionally to lick the bottom of his ball sac. He put one hand on her head, stroking her hair and restraining himself from pushing her head down -- or coming. Soon, he could tell he wouldn’t last much longer. “Sc-Scully...please...gonna come…”

Scully ceased her ministrations on his cock and gave him a moment to regain control before slowly sinking down onto him, taking him in little by little so that her body could adjust. He reached up to play with her tits as she rode him, slowly at first, then increasing her speed and grinding into him with each downward thrust to stimulate her clit. Understanding what she was doing, Mulder reached between them to help her. When he felt her inner walls pulsate around his cock, he let go, too, spurting into her again and again, filling her with his essence.

She collapsed atop him, and they remained that way for a long while, her cheek resting on his chest, his arms around her.

Scully felt she could stay there forever, listening to her lover’s heartbeat and basking in his personal scent, her own scent on him, and the primal smell of him and her having been together, but she knew she had to get up and clean herself. As she moved to get off him, he finally spoke, “Scully, that was fucking incredible.” She looked down at him; his face was plastered with one of those goofy boyish grins that she loved so much.

They sat up together, and the reality of the situation hit her. Their relationship had been fundamentally altered; Scully couldn’t imagine going back to “just friends” with someone she’d opened herself to so completely on a sexual level. “Scully.” She felt Mulder’s arm around her shoulder. “I wish I hadn’t given up on trying to let you know how I felt after Bermuda, or after Antarctica. I think I was afraid of losing our friendship, too. I was willing to be nothing but your friend forever, if that meant I’d still have you around.” He kissed her forehead. “But I’m glad we have this.”

“Where do we go from here, Mulder?”

He wiggled his eyebrows. “Hmmm. I was thinking into the shower.” She swatted at him playfully, and he growled, pushed her back onto the bed, and showered her with kisses as she giggled.


End file.
